How to know if you should stay or go

There’s no such thing as a relationship without challenges. However, some stumbling blocks are merely garden-variety annoyances, while others are bona fide deal-breakers. Here is a Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can — and Should — Be Saved.

1. Consider how you and your partner resolve conflicts
In an unhealthy relationship (i.e., one that really isn’t working), when you hit those periods of conflict, you’ll notice either right away or soon enough that you are not a team struggling for mutual well-being. Unsure about whether you and your partner are have an unhealthy conflict resolution approach? When you argue, does it become about who can win and/or who can hurt the other more effectively, or does one (or both) of you become explosive or cruel? Is it characterized by your partner thinking almost exclusively about what is good for him or her, not about what’s good for you or the relationship? If any of these statements ring true for you, it’s probably a wise decision to get out.

2. Recognize the difference between irritating habits and deal-breakers
Some of the most troubling and potentially deal-breaking problems one can face with a partner are immaturity, addiction, unresolved or untreated mental health issues (including the after-effects of trauma, depression and personality disorders) and abusiveness. Each one of these is a big ticket item, meaning it will likely cost you a great deal of emotional energy and time to be in a relationship with your partner and one of these issues. You may decide that, no matter how much you love your partner, you don’t want to put so much energy into dealing with anything so consuming.

3. Think about the consequences of ending the relationship
When debating whether to leave or stay, first considering whether you’ve ever felt frightened of your partner. Has this person ever physically attacked you, or made you feel that he or she was on the verge of it? Has your partner ever forced you sexually? Has your partner said anything like, “You’d better not ever try to leave me” or anything similar that suggested he or she wanted you to be afraid of ending things? If your intuition tells you that your partner may have a volatile reaction, that’s a pretty good sign that walking away from your relationship is a good idea.

4. Imagine a life without your partner
When you’re trying to decide whether staying in your relationship will be truly beneficial or not, ask yourself if you have remained true to who you really are during the time you’ve been with your partner, and what your life would look like if you were no longer together. Remember that having love, approval, kindness and appreciation for yourself is at least as important as getting it from someone else; if these feelings are impossible to have while in your current relationship, it’s time to get back into having a loving, supportive connection with yourself.

The Secrets of Happy Couples

What is surprising, experts point out, is that when you ask loving husbands and wives about the key to their devotion, over and over you'll hear the same things, specific habits that mirror these values. Learning these secrets can make your marriage closer too.

They use terms of endearment

Sure, you may find it cloyingly sweet when you overhear other couples talking like 2-year-olds, but endearments are actually a sign of a healthy rapport.

These feelings of intimacy can also come from using a special tone of voice with each other, sharing silly "inside jokes," or pet-naming your spouse's intimate body parts. The point is to connect with some private message system that's meaningful to you alone, as a couple -- not to the outside world.

When the going gets tough, they don't call Mom or Dad

The first task facing all young couples is separating from their families of origin. This doesn't mean you shouldn't go home for the holidays. But if there's a crisis over whether to have a second child or relocate for a new job, or even if there's good news about a big raise or the results of a medical test, the couple should talk about it together first before dialing Mom.

They stay connected to their parents

This doesn't contradict with the above point. You can talk with your mom every day and still be clear about where your attachment to her ends and your love for your mate begins.

Staying connected to parents, siblings, cousins and the like can be excellent for a marriage because it gives a sense of family continuity. It generates positive feelings, especially when you incorporate your spouse into that family. You're sharing that part of you with each other.

They don't nickel-and-dime about chores

It's no secret that most wives continue to do more in the housekeeping and child-rearing departments than their husbands. Still, when partners become double-entry bookkeepers, adding up every dish washed and every diaper changed, they may be headed for trouble.

Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that's 50-50,but the fact is, they should each give 150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can. They don't nickel-and-dime each other, and they respect that each person gives different things.

They give each other gifts

Couples who are deeply connected often give each other presents or write little notes, says Thomas Moore, Ph.D., best-selling author of Care of the Soul. What they're doing is preserving the rituals, and the magic, of their courtship.

The gift should carry no strings. Sarah sometimes comes home from work to find that her husband has prepared a candlelight dinner. But it's not set up to be a prelude to sex.

They never lose their sense of humor

Humor, as many psychotherapists have observed, is the glue that keeps a couple together. When a couple can no longer laugh together, it's a signal that the soul has gone out of their marriage and they are headed for trouble.

But lighthearted couples never mock each other. They instinctively know what is -- and isn't -- fair game.

They take "for better or for worse" seriously

Contented couples encounter their share of life's miseries -- whether it's the car breaking down, a nasty cold or a missed promotion -- but they help each other get through. You don't, for example, hear them say, "How could you let that happen?" when a spouse loses a job. Couples who do well together tend not to do anything that increases their partner's suffering, like become resentful or criticize. In good marriages, people feel safe from the outside world. Each spouse has the feeling, I can count on you, our world is all right.

The Power of Touch

A study at the University of Virginia showed that holding a spouse’s hand can diminish stress set off by a mild electric shock. A total of 16 couples took part; first the wives received the shocks while their brains were monitored via functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).

Next, each woman held the hand of a stranger during the shock--this dampened the stress response seen in the brain. Finally, the women held their husbands’ hands during the shock and the fMRIs showed that the reduction in stress was even greater.
The Cuddle Hormone

Women who get the most hugs from their partner have the highest levels of oxytocin, a hormone sometimes called the “cuddle hormone,” University of North Carolina researchers reported.

Oxytocin is believed to play a role in social bonding and has a powerful effect on the cardiovascular systems. In the study, the frequent huggers had lower blood pressure. So there you have it, love is good for almost everything. The only exception: it doesn’t help you lose weight.

Happy Couples do stuff together

When that pheromone-crazy feeling of falling in love passes and happy couples no longer spend all day in bed, they look outward. They start businesses, refinish the attic or take up cooking together.

Of all the variables in a relationship -from commitment to communication- the amount of fun couples have together is the strongest factor in determining their overall marital happiness, according to a landmark study by Howard Markman, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. Time spent playing together, says Dr. Markman, is an "investment in the relationship"; it provides a relaxed intimacy that strengthens the bond between two people.

So even if your life is impossibly frantic, make the time for play. And do all you can to eliminate distractions. Leave the kids with a sitter, ditch the beeper and cell phone. The activity doesn't have to be anything elaborate or costly. Exercising together, browsing in antiques stores, or renting a classic movie can help bring the two of you closer.

Expert tips for calming pre-date jitters

Help is here. Here're some tips on how to overcome this common problem. We’ve rounded up advice from experts who teach people how to stay calm in nerve-wracking situations. Try their tips below for putting your best dating foot forward.

Tip #1: Keep a healthy perspective about what first dates are really for “The first and most important step in overcoming the fear is to put your first date in perspective: this is not an appointment with the dentist or brain surgeon who may inflict pain on you; rather, it is a conversation with another person. The worst thing that can happen is that you won’t connect with the person sitting across from you — it’s hardly the end of the world! Second, think of this date as a two-way process. You are interviewing a potential partner as much as your date is interviewing you. Is there a good fit here? What looks good on the surface or on paper may not be what it appears to be for either party. Investigate whether this person is a good match for you and whether you want to invest a significant part of your life and energy in future dates.”

Tip #2: Breathe deeply while counting silently to calm yourself down “Here is a simple (but amazingly powerful) breathing technique you can easily do to manage stress while sitting in the car or on the train before a date. While breathing through the nose only, inhale to the count of three and exhale to the count of six. It only takes about two or three minutes to experience a noticeable, full-body calming effect. The reason? Deep breathing triggers your parasympathetic nervous system to counteract the ‘fight-or-flight’ response that underlies your jitters and results in shallower breathing. And if, during the date, you feel yourself getting nervous again, ask an open-ended question, like: ‘So, what’s working at a college really like?’ and then put a soft smile on your face while you breathe the shakes away!”

Concentrate on the present moment instead of worrying about the future “Dating is like auditioning — the stakes are high, so nerves will undoubtedly come into play. I would tell daters the same thing I tell my actors: When you get nervous, put your concentration into the present moment instead of the outcome. Every time you start to think about the future — “Will this person ask me out on a second date?” — force yourself to focus on the conversation at hand. You stand a better chance of booking another date if you can let someone see the type of person you really are, and that you’d be easy to get along with. You can’t do that if you’re draining your own energy trying to figure out what your date wants and what the result might be.”

Release pre-date tension by working up a sweat in the gym
“Work out first! You’ll have a positive feeling from all the endorphins, you’ll feel more confident about your appearance, and you’ll have released the tension from your muscles. Or, instead of going right to the date from your office or home, socialize a bit first — either by meeting a friend somewhere or otherwise putting yourself in a situation where you’re turning on your most positive personality for others. Doing this will make you walk into the date already feeling engaged and ‘up.’ Just do not talk about the upcoming date while you’re socializing, because that will put your mind back on the subject... and could make you nervous all over again.”

Put any negative thoughts in writing, then put a positive spin on them before leaving for your date “Divide a sheet of paper in half. On the left side of the page, write down how your critical inner voices or negative thoughts are undermining your self-confidence. Write them down as though you are talking to yourself; for example, ‘Don’t get too excited about this date. He/she is not going to find you attractive enough.’ Next, on the right-hand side of the page, write down a more realistic or congenial statement about yourself. Like, ‘I may not be a supermodel, but I have good features and a sense of humor.’ Decide which of these more positive, realistic statements you will act on before your date begins. They reflect the real you.”

Tip for Couples: How to fight constructively

There's fighting and then there's fighting. When couples start yelling and throwing things, when they dredge up every single complaint they've ever had (or "kitchen-sinking," as marital experts typically call it), you can be sure that they won't be celebrating their silver anniversary together. Studies show that the way couples handle conflict is the most important factor in determining whether or not they stay together, according to experts in relationship study.

Happy couples have learned the art of constructive arguing, whose research has demonstrated that it's possible to predict whether or not a couple will divorce after watching them argue for 10 or 15 minutes. In strong marriages, the partners take control of their disagreements by establishing ground rules. They may, for example, call a mutually agreed-upon time-out if the conflict is escalating and unproductive, agreeing to continue the discussion after a cooling-off period.

They also truly listen to each other and won't prematurely try to solve the problem before they've heard each other out. Above all, no matter how angry they get, they don't resort to name-calling and insults - key danger signs.

Why are men always so focused on sex, sex and sex

Chalk this one up to testosterone, the “male” hormone that advises the brain, too. “In utero, the male fetal brain ‘marinates’ in testosterone, which makes his brain’s area for sexual pursuit grow to be two and a half times larger than in a female brain,” Expert says.

And then, the ‘fuel’ that drives this area in the brain — testosterone — increases in a male by 250 percent between ages 9 and 15. So by the time he’s a teenager, a male’s visual circuits — all of which are located in his brain — start focusing on female body parts and fantasizing about how to get a girl to have sex with him, and, you may have noticed, this act of “focusing” doesn’t exactly stop after high school.

Money-Etiquette: When Friends Suggest Splitting Check EVENLY but Your Meal Costs Less

At a restaurant, your friends suggest splitting the check evenly, but your meal costs less. If these are people you don’t meet with often, divvying up the check evenly is probably the best way to handle it.

The same goes if you regularly eat out with certain friends and the price of your meal is usually about the same as theirs. “You’d hope that in a group of friends, this comes out in the wash,” says manners and lifestyle expert Thomas P. Farley. “You do not want to be the person who’s whipping out the calculator.”

If, however, you often go out with people who tend to order more-expensive meals and drinks than you do, it’s okay to ask your server for a separate check before the meal, says Daniel Post Senning, of the Emily Post Institute.

In fact, your fellow diners may appreciate the move: They can order as much as they want without feeling as though they’re imposing on you.

Why are men so “physical?”

Spend an hour at the playground on a Saturday and you’ll have all the proof you need that males and females are just wired differently when it comes to physical activity. “From the time boys are young, they exhibit much more rough-and-tumble play than little girls do,” Dr. Brizendine explains.

Scientists believe this is because boys’ brains and bodies are marinated in testosterone while they’re in utero and have more of a hormone called MIF (mullerian inhibitory factor), which sends messages to the brain requiring that they be more physically active. When males reach puberty and adulthood, they have 10 times more testosterone than females do, which activates the need to move their muscles in a way that females do not experience, Dr. Brizendine says.

Now that you know this, ask your girlfriend to go shopping for fresh produce with you and let your guy and his buddies bond over a game of pick-up basketball. Just think: an early morning release of that pent-up energy will make him that much more willing (and able) to go see that new Reese Witherspoon movie you’ve been dying to see this evening!

The Surprising Health Benefits of Love

Love actually can make us healthier, so much so that if you could bottle it, you would have an incredible wonder drug, a Nobel Prize, the thanks of a grateful population and more money than Bill Gates. If a growing body of research is to be believed, love can lengthen your life, ward off stress, boost your immune system, lower your blood pressure, protect you from colds and flu, blunt your response to pain, hasten wound healing, and lower your risk of dementia in old age.

Studies have shown that health-wise, men are a lot better off married than their still-single pals; their wives are less likely to suffer from depression than their unmarried bridesmaids. Let a little romance into your life, and you’re less likely to end up in a nursing home when you’re old and gray. Love and marriage (or even love without marriage) turns out to be really, really good for us. Here are the main reasons why:

Love Defuses Stress

Unchecked stress can undermine your immune system, leaving you prey to all kinds of physical ills. Some studies have shown that happy couples produce less of the hormone cortisol when they’re stressed. This is a good thing because too much cortisol suppresses the immune system leaving us open to colds, flu and worse. It also prompts the body to store fat around the abdominal organs.

This kind of “visceral fat” is linked to diabetes, heart disease and cancer. Marriage appears to be particularly good for health: rates of diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease and other chronic ailments are all lower in married people than in single ones.

Love Heals Wounds

A study at Ohio State University used a device designed to leave little blisters on the arm and to enable doctors to monitor the immune system’s response at the tiny wound sites. The researchers used a study grant to pay 42 married couples $2,000 each to agree to the blistering procedures and then to talk about topics that provoked tension and at another time to discuss topics that engendered supportive behavior. The upshot? The blisters took a day longer to heal after sessions when the couples disagreed than when they discussed something pleasant. The wounds took two days longer to heal when there was high hostility during arguments.
Better Brain Health

The give-and-take of marriage—or living with a partner—helps keep your wits sharp.

Living as a couple in midlife was linked to lower risk for cognitive impairment (unusually poor memory and mental functioning) in a Swedish study, while other research shows socializing, including getting together with friends, belonging to a club, or doing volunteer work also helps keep your brain nimble.

Simple Tips for a Happier Relationship

What's your New Year's resolution for 2012? To exercise more? To be more productive? We bet "a more honest and open relationship" isn't on many of your lists. That's because tons of people put their relationships on autopilot, hoping the kinks will just work themselves out - and then they argue each and every day, and end up resenting each other. The best way to have a happy relationship is to keep working on it, so even if you're not currently in a relationship rut, follow these 12 tips from our staff and you'll keep being happy.

1. Say "please" and "thank you." This shows your partner you appreciate them and keeps you from taking each other for granted.
2. Grab your partner's butt every day (or at least every other day).
3. Kiss every morning!
4. Say "good morning" every morning.
5. Cuddle.
6. Spend at least one night a week with your significant other and family/friends, i.e. don't hole up all by yourselves.
7. Use baby talk/pet names very sparingly. If you overuse these, you could damage your relationship since you won't be able to relate to each other seriously.
8. DO THE DISHES. Set up some type of system for who does them when.
9. Practice listening.
10. Practice honesty, even when it's uncomfortable.

11. If you and your partner are indecisive about where to eat or what movie to watch, play the "5-3-1" game. One person names five choices, the other vetoes two of them, and then the first person eliminates the remaining two. Ta-da, no more "Where you do want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?" (From 8 Relationship Tricks Happy Couples Use)

12. If you live together, make sure you each still have your own private space where you can retreat to work, think, or partake in bizarre grooming rituals that the other person wouldn't want to see.

People who know how to say "NO" are more productive

It's easy to get distracted or overwhelmed at work. But one of the secrets of highly productive people is that they learn when and how to say "no." For starters, say "no" to whiners, complainers and distracting people.

One way to do that is by wearing headphones, that sends the message that you're busy and it drowns out the noise as well. When it comes time to say "no" to the boss, tread lightly but firmly. You don't have to spell out n-o per se; rather, ask your boss to prioritize what's most important given what's on your plate.

When an employee does that, the boss usually comes to their senses and they get it. You don't want to make your boss the enemy; you want your boss to know you're there for the company, and that you're there for them. If they know that, they're more likely to listen to what you say.

World's First Sex School Opens in Austria

Do you want to have a better life with your loved one? Ylva-Maria Thompson has opened the world's first international sex school to teach its students how to be better lovers. The Austrian International Sex School in Vienna offers 'hands on' lessons in seduction for £1,400 a term.

The 'headmistress' says anyone over the age of 16 can enrol at 'the world's first college of applied sexuality'. Students live in a mixed sex dormitory block where they're expected to practise their homework.

And at the end of the course, they are awarded a qualification. The new school head said: 'Our core education is not theoretical, but very practical. The emphasis is on how to be a better lover.

First Photos of Beckhams' Baby Girl Harper Seven

David Beckham posted a photo on his Facebook page showingwife Victoria getting some rest with their newborn daughter. "I took this picture of my two girls sleeping," he wrote.

Victoria, 37, also tweeted a picture Sunday of David, 36, tenderly holding their newborn daughter. In the black and white photo, David cradles Harper Seven and sweetly touches her nose with his. She's "Daddy's little girl," Victoria explained.

Harper Seven was born July 10 at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. David and Victoria also have three sons: Brooklyn, 12, Romeo, 8, and Cruz, 6.

On Thursday, the fashion designer tweeted that "baby Harper is the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen. I have fallen in love all over again!" "We feel so blessed," she added. "And the boys love their baby sister so much."

Kate remembers William's name

The curse is broken! Kate remembered William's full name! It might sound like a small victory, but it's far from it. William's full name is quite a mouthful. For the record, he is William Arthur Philip Louis. Imagine trying to remember that with two billion people watching.

The bride also wore white. Chris Jackson/Getty Images In royal weddings past, Princess Diana and Princess Sarah Ferguson messed up when asked to recite their groom's full name. According to Dickie Arbiter, former press secretary to the queen, Diana mixed up the order of Charles's names.

Diana had a pretty good excuse: Charles's full name is Charles Philip Arthur George. Same deal with Fergie; she accidentally repeated Prince Andrew's middle name. Not so with Kate. She nailed William's full name. A good omen if ever there was one.

Introducing World's First Facebook Bullying Alert System

what a concerned father can do when he want to stop abusive behavior such as bullying? He developed the world's first bullying alert system for Facebook! NHS consultant Paddy Clarke's software scans walls and inboxes for trigger words and phrases such as 'gay' and 'fat' and alerts parents when they appear. The father-of-four came up with the idea after reading a string of cyber-bullying horror stories.

Mr Clarke, 48, said he hoped his system - called 'Know Diss' - will keep children safe from online bullies. He said: 'Bullying has now gone from the playground into children's homes. 'Kids feel safe sending an abusive message in their rooms. It is pretty awful.

'Cyber-bullying is very topical at the moment, particularly following some tragic cases where young people have taken their lives because of it. 'It is hard to believe but this software is the only one in the world to search through text on social networking sites to protect children.

'Know Diss is a very simple concept. It is also a partnership between parent and child because one cannot sign up without the other.' Mr Clarke, a consultant in pain relief at Gloucestershire Royal Hospital in Gloucester, joined forces with friend Alan Saul to design and implement Know Diss, which costs £12 for a yearly subscription.

What Catches A Man's Eye

When it comes to seduction, short skirts and high heels have long been women’s weapons of choice. But showing off a bit of leg isn’t the best way to catch a man’s eye, according to scientists.

Long, shapely arms, sported by the likes of Christine Bleakley, Madonna or Courtney Cox, are considered more attractive than endless legs, a study has found. The finding was made after tests on Australian and Chinese men and women by experts at the University of New South Wales, Sydney.

During the research, volunteers were asked to watch videos of 96 women aged between 20 and 49 and then to rate each one according to her looks. Results showed that ‘long-armed women’ were consistently considered the most attractive.

Hip and waist size were also regarded as important, along with a woman’s weight and age, but the length of her leg ‘did not contribute significantly to the ratings’. Professor Robert Brooks, who led the study, said: ‘Attractive bodies have a suite of traits in the right combination.

Don't Leave Your Baby too Long, They stressed Out!

They may have barely mastered sitting up by themselves. But six-month-old babies become stressed out when they don't get the attention they feel they deserve.

Levels of the stress hormone cortisol soar when they are ignored by their mother, and even a day later they are worried about the same thing happening again.

A baby who is deprived of its mother's love for just two minutes is anxious about being ignored again the next day, a study found. Experts in child development said that repeated episodes of stress could have a huge effect on a youngster's health and on his or her course in life.

To investigate whether six-month-olds are capable of anticipating trouble, the Canadian researchers invited 30 mothers and babies into their laboratory and divided them into two groups.

Best Form of Stress Release

Don't reach for a glass of wine or watch your favourite soap at the end of the hard day. For research has shown that the most effective way to unwind is to spend time with the family dog.

It has been revealed that a dog's enthusiasm is infectious and that simply spending time with them leaves owners feeling more relaxed, more optimistic and less preoccupied with everyday worries.

The survey of dog owners also found that walking the dog is the best quality time that can be spent with the family, beating family mealtimes and even holidays.

Television presenter and dog owner Ben Fogle, 36, says his relationship with his dog has brought countless happy memories and also led to him meeting his now wife, Marina.

He said: 'Having a dog is rewarding in so many ways and I enjoy nothing more than coming home and being greeted by Inca, her daughter Lola, and Maggi.

Why Women Attracted to A MAN in Red

Forget candlelit dinners, bouquets of flowers and endless compliments. The way to a woman’s heart lies in wearing a red shirt, it seems.

Researcher Andrew Elliot, of Rochester University in the U.S., said that red is associated with power, passion and fertility in the animal kingdom – and people are no different.

‘This suggests that women’s thoughts and feelings toward men are, at least in part, primitive,’ he said. ‘The question “What do women want?” with regard to sexual attraction and desire has puzzled men and scholars for many years.

‘Our research suggests that the answer may be more provocative, than anticipated.’ Wearing red may also make a man feel more self-assured.